The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
