Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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