I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
one two three fourrrrnication!
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
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