I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
