life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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