He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
