I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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