my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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