I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
