her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I wish you could order shots online.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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