I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
