Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
