Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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