I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize