Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
