Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Randomize
