Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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