a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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