1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You left your phone here
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