Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
