happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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