Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I cut my penus on the lid.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
