Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
