The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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