Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Did you just see the Batmobile???
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
