Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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