Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
