The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
it's like heaven, but drunker
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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