That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
