The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
