We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
