If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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