I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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