I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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