wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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