I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Randomize
