life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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