Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
