i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
do herpes really smell.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
