all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
