First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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