he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
