If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
