jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He did a backflip because drugs
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