he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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