Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
