Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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