She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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