it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My balls are so social today.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
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