okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
