this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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