her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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