You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
