the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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