dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
