is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
