Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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