help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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