I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
